It’s taken me a bit to find my way back to these pages, as the journey is long and treacherous. I find myself in the throws of someone else’s life, a life I do not understand. As each day ticks on, I realize that it is too far gone. My marriage that is. It’s been 5 weeks today. While I process that, let me start this by giving you the update on my health. Dire as it may seem, I for some reason am able to process THIS topic with a lot more ease.
As I said before, in my last post, the final test results are in, and surgery is needed immediately. I am scheduled for that surgery on November 7th. Just 3 weeks. While my Grandmother was here, she went to the surgeon with me, to get all the details, the only thing is, I realized that even I did not have all the details. I just knew they said it would be rough. This is what I now know…. Thank God I was sitting down. Because of the location of the problem, they (a neurosurgeon and thoracic surgeon) will have to go in on both sides of my spine, removing ribs and bone on both sides. They will have to go in, in front of my spine, behind my heart (where the bone fragment is) and physically pull back my spinal cord to be able to reach the bone fragment, which puts my risk of paralysis in the super high category. If I don’t do it, paralysis is almost guaranteed. Provided this is a “successful” surgery, I will still most likely have difficulty having proper use of my legs for some time. I have been told that I will have to walk with a walker, and not be able to drive for up to 6 months. Where they remove the ribs and bone, they will have to replace it with donor bone from a bone bank, and remove stem cells from the bone in my hips, to put in the donor bone to try to “re-grow” the bone. Provided my body does not reject the donor bone, it will take roughly 2 yrs for the bone to be stable. Because of this, I will have pins and clamps in my spine that will actually protrude from my back…… and will be there for the duration of the 2 yrs. After 2 yrs, provided that the regrowth of the bone is successful, they will have to go in and remove all the hardware. It will be difficult for me to sit with my back against a chair (driving….) as well as lying on my back. For 2 yrs. I’m really not kidding. I wish I was. Pretty sexy, don’t ya think?? Ha! I guess I will be single for a while! The theme of my days of late, are ones of crushing blows to my spirit, and my heart, making it difficult to breathe. This day was no exception. As I left the Doctor’s office, the world was a blur, my head was spinning, and all I could hear was a rushing sound in my ears, and a pounding in my head.
This blog began as a “Cathartic Expression” of a “Real Housewife” falling to pieces on the inside, literally and emotionally. I thought that I needed to express my distain in an anonymous way. There are two things I can now say “From This I Know…..”; One, everything around me HAS fallen to pieces, and I have NOT. The other thing is that anonymous only isolates the lonely more. I’m not sure how to comprehend the level of tragedy in my daily life right now. All I knew to be true and right is all a compounded lie, a facade. The funny thing is, the alarm still goes off in the morning, breakfast still has to be made, bills still have to be paid, carpools still have to be driven, soccer still happens, church still happens, the people in the drive thru’s, the checker’s at Walmart, the people at the Dr.’s offices….. everywhere I go, still say “Hello!! How are you?”, and “have a good day!” With each casual “nicety” my soul is crushed that much more, but I am learning to smile back, and even though I may be thinking “you have NO idea…” I can still say that I will in fact have a good day. Perhaps not today, but possibly tomorrow. The days DO get better. I look at the world around me, and can NOT believe it is still rotating. When I visit my alternatives in my mind, I am left with no other choice. Survival. Again, 1000 times, in all kindness, I am told how strong I am, how faithful I am, what an inspiration I am. I BEG of you, what choice do I have?? This dark black hole that I am staring into, is not an inviting place. So I look up…… and I will continue to do so, forever. As long as I have breath, I chose strength, hope, honor, and dignity. Anything shy of that is an invitation to the abyss of hopeless despair. I can’t imagine having to add shame and dishonor to this list of tragedies in my days. If nothing else, when I lay my head down at night, I can do so with peace in knowing I am true to myself, and I am someone my boys can hold in high esteem.
I have truly protected a large part of this story, because focusing on the details has been dangerous at best. I can honestly say that his truth and my truth are world’s apart. I am SOOO terribly perplexed by the events of the last 5 weeks, and baffled by the excuses and explanations. I keep waiting for him to have an epiphany, and come back to his senses. Not necessarily back to me, but maybe back somewhere between here and there. I am coming to realize that I can not focus on what he says, believes,or uses as excuses. I am responsible for me, my reactions, and the depth to which I allow myself to experience the pain. A week and a half ago, my dog was going bananas and needed out at 2:30am, so I took him out, and as I stepped into the darkness, there “He” was, on his motorcycle, driving by the house. I stood frozen for an hour and a half….. literally praying for the epic love story scene you see in the movies. Only to find myself praying for the strength to go back inside. That moment gave me clarity….. clarity that perhaps he is torn, but that I am okay. I had learned earlier that week that the “woman” he was living with, made him move out, so I’m sure that is what it largely has to do with. I stand behind my convictions, I am not torn. I’m sorry it came to this, but as I went back to bed, I was okay. I didn’t stop breathing, and the sun still came out the next morning. I have since received an “I’m sad” text in the middle of the night as well. I’m not sure what he is sad about, but I am sorry he is sad. He made an extreme decision for us all, one that we have to live with. I find myself trying to defend and rationalize what he says, and then I take a step back and look at it from the outside. I can not defend this insanity, because it is not my truth.
Friends…. you MUST stop looking at me with pity, because I KNOW that with great tragedy comes GREAT TRIUMPH. I WILL overcome. My future is clearly undefined, but I know that I will find love again. A love that is true, and real, and God centered. (For REAL this time) My boys are rockstars, and every day they make me proud. This health thing will all be a memory some day, because like I have said before…
“If not by stature, by Spirit I will ALWAYS stand tall. With God I will NOT be shaken, nor will I be forsaken. You can take THAT one to the bank my friends!!”