I have tried SOOO hard to stay away from details, primarily so that I don’t focus on them, but also, I think to either protect “Him” or protect my family. But then I have these moments…….I think I am doing just fine, and then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks. My sister sent me a link to a blog the other day of someone that was walking a bit of a similar path. I’m not sure that it’s helping. I have found more, and I CAN say I identify with SOOOO much of what they write about. The stages of this all. I have even read one from the “Other Woman”. Insight….. Insight that I DO understand. Yet my circumstances feel SOOO different. The day I ran into these blogs, I read too much. Again, my mind got away from me. I started INSISTING on answers. You see……It’s been 38 days, since “He” (My husband…) brought me home from a procedure at the hospital, brought me a sprite, kissed me on the forehead, went to work, and never came home. He will NOT have a conversation with me, he will NOT see me. The tide is beginning to turn a bit right now though, and I’m more confused then ever.
What I can’t wrap my brain around is the tangled web of lies, and the lies to cover up the lies, and the lies created by those lies. It’s exhausting!! In his futile attempt to “tell me what I needed to know” this week, there were just more lies, and things he “created” to distract from those lies. I think if I was capable of telling even 1% of the lies I have been told, I too would completely lose my mind and have a TOTAL mental breakdown because of it. Maybe I know I’m not smart enough to lie like this, but I can’t imagine the time and energy it would take to make sure your lies and untruths match up…. long term. I’m not sure if this blog thing IS a healing process, or if it perpetuates the problem, for me. I find myself tonight wanting to pour out my soul in words, all because I had another dream, during a short nap on my couch while waiting for a load of laundry to finish up. This is the 2nd one I have had, that is SOOO real, I wake up physically ill, and uncomfortable in my own skin. It’s like a virtual reality, walking through a situation, a conversation that quite literally can happen. But the end result is not good, and the reality is, it is a depiction of the life I was living before Sept. 13th, and didn’t even recognize it. It WAS miserable.
I know a LOT of the truth of what has transpired since Sept. 13, and some truth about what transpired just a month prior. I know, because I was seeking answers, and they are readily available. Am I crazy for looking, or hiring a private investigator?? NO…. you are crazy for abandoning your family. At one point, I realized it had been 3 weeks since he left…. my husband was out there, and I didn’t know where. He had NOTHING that he owned. It crossed my mind how normal it would be for a wife to file a missing persons report, and then I realized that this happens all too frequently. Yes friends….. thats right. This isn’t the first time. We technically started off our marriage with him bringing the affair he had on his previous wife (of 17 years) into ours….. but that of course was my fault. Just like all the rest. The only thing is, back then I believed it to a certain extent. It was devastating. I did what I could at the time to smooth the ruffled feathers….. funny looking back at it now. I was trying to make up for HIS infidelity. How many of us do that???? Looking back….. he never even said he was sorry. He laughed at my tears, yelled at me for my pain. Much as it is now. I do NOT want this in my life EVER again. I’m still processing it all, but each day it is more and more clear. A few years ago, I also “tripped” over a website he had joined, only to discover his screen name was “okscum”. Not kidding. I was heart broken, primarily because that was my HUSBAND, and that is what he thought of himself, and that broke my heart. Now I can clearly see why he thought that about himself.
There are so many more things I could type here, but I won’t do it. I won’t do it for many reasons, but looking back at our short 8 yr relationship, I am beyond perplexed at the amount of devastation we have lived through, and I am shocked that not only did others not see it, but neither did I. I kept hoping things would change, things would get better, he would one day be sorry. All it did was create a great divide. I wanted to forgive him, I SOOOO bad wanted to. But he never asked. And truly, the only things that I knew about are the ones I tripped over. How much more is there? That brings me to where I am today. He laughs at me and lies to me, as I am just trying to get the truth. I mentally need to move on. I keep thinking I should be the loyal to the death wife, like somehow it is my “calling” to love him through this. To Endure the pain, that something great and wonderful will come out of it. It’s insane. I no more owe him that, then I owe the devil my soul. And I’m finally getting there. Because I know more than what I have told him this time, not because I am playing games, but because if there EVER WAS going to be the day that he lays his life at the foot of the cross, seeks help, and really commits to this farce of a marriage we have, I need the whole truth, not just the things he knows about this time. I did have a conversation with him the other day where he started laughing at me (yet again…… it’s his signature “lying” move) and said all I do is “bluff, bluff, bluff”. Well……I threw 2 or 3 things out there from my back pocket, and I got nothing but silence. He called me stupid a few weeks ago, but we BOTH KNOW stupid is not something I can be accused of. I did finally have a conversation with his ex-wife the other day……..I now understand so much. I am living the EXACT same nightmare she did at the end of her marriage. The lies, the laughing, the disappearing, the anger, the vicious words, and the silence. ALL OF IT.
He still will not admit to a “sexual” affair with his girl Janet, the woman he was conveniently in contact with on a singles site back in Aug., the woman he moved in with. The woman that I found my way to her front door, the woman who’s 25 yr marriage ended for the same reason. I was taken for a fool, and told that she was an old “family friend” (cute huh?), the woman that also says she has a “boyfriend” (yet admits to an emotional affair with my husband), and a woman who is a college instructor at a local Community College. It took me a little while to see through the “family friend” thing. Probably because I wanted to believe it soooo bad. She now says they are in an “emotional affair”, that they have a great fun, a stress-free, good time. Does it ever occur to these people that that is because they don’t have real life together?? Real issues, kids, financial stress, not to mention my health nightmare??? Good grief. Here is the kicker though….. he called to tell me “everything” the other night, which wasn’t even a FRACTION of the truth by the way. He DID admit to going to a trashy country bar here locally and picking up one night stands. Girls he doesn’t even know their name. Uses them for sex, like a sexual predator, and never sees them again. I am SHOCKED AND APPALLED. Gross!!! I feel like I need a shower just typing that sentence. How would I ever even look this man in the eyes again??? Here is the bigger question….. how can this man continue to treat women with SUCH disregard, and dishonor, and have a daughter in her early 20′s, and be ANY kind of loving example to her?? It makes me SICK to even think about these things,not to mention the example I have ALLOWED him to set for my 3 young men.
NO… he has not attempted to come back, but I can clearly see he has dug himself into a hole that he didn’t even foresee. I TRULY think this man got the notion that he was tired of responsibility, and the stress that existed in our current lives (most of which I had NO control over) and he TRULY believed that he could in fact hit the road and sail off into the sunset. Twice now he has told me to get out of HIS house, because he no longer has a place to go, and he legally is forced to continue paying for the house. I can promise you that I in NO way want to spend another day here, but because of the situation with my health, and the road I have ahead of me, I have no other option. Not for now. There is a song by Carrie Underwood that speaks VOLUMES to this situation called “Blown Away”. It says…”There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma, to wash the sins out of this house. There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma to rip the nails out of the past. Shatter every window til it’s all Blown Away. Every brick, every board, every slammin door….. Blown Away. Til there’s nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday.” Yeah…..I do live in Oklahoma, and I’m officially praying for a tornado. In the past 10 days, this stranger I used to call my husband has started some type of contact again, but it’s largely sarcastic in nature, and at times laughable. He has attempted to make me feel sorry for him regarding his financial situation that absolutely makes NO sense to me whatsoever (and this is the reason I started to need some REAL answers. Pity was getting the best of me. Thank goodness he is still the same lier he always was, or who KNOWS what I would have done) I also told him that I was going out last night. There is that part to us all that wants to stick a dagger into the heart of the ones who hurt us, but I called right back and left a message letting him know that I was in fact going out with girlfriends to a concert. No big deal. He sent me a text on his way out of town that said “You be sure and have a good time tonight. I’m headed to Antlers.” and I of course told him I would, that I needed it! And then I sent him a picture……. there is that dagger thing I was talking about. Here it is….
I promptly got a text back that said I made him “run off the road”, and then he said “I mean that literally”. I said he was not supposed to text and drive, and he said “I am not supposed to drink and drive either”. Right here is a perfect depiction of our lives……am I the moral police?? No…..but should that even be an issue?? The last thing I said to him was… and I quote “That’s the thing with you….. you are always SOOO self destructive. I wish you would just take care of you…” His response??? ”like what? Shoot myself?” All I had to say to that was No. And by the way, when the heck did he start drinking?? I have found liquor bottles all around the garage. I’m just bewildered. He told me not too very long ago (by text of course, just like everything else) that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever “been” with. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or not, but I am not 15. This is my husband, that has torn apart EVERYTHING else there is about me, yet he wants to call me beautiful? Last I checked, God did that. God made me to look the way I do on the outside. My HUSBAND should see the beauty in my soul, the beauty in my heart, and want to cherish that and protect that. I’m not that girl.
I am loyal to a fault at this point, and if not to him, I am to myself. I have a LOT more self worth than all that, and I will NOT allow myself to stoop to the level that he has. SURE….. there are walking, talking, scum bags everywhere, free for the taking. Not what I want for my life. I am fine alone, actually, very much at peace for the first time in a long time. I have my moments of crushing pain in my chest, but thats because I miss the good times, I miss touching his face, I miss watching him breathe, all the nights I couldn’t sleep, I miss what I thought it could be, and I realize that it never was. There is this man in there that is the absolute direct OPPOSITE of everything I just typed. I can’t figure it out. It was all built on the foundation of a lie. An unstable foundation, that finally came crashing down around him. My foundation is still firm. I am on solid ground.
UPDATE: I thought I would make it public that “He” declared today that the whole “bar” thing was a lie….Too. Who knows what is what anymore, but I DO know that this is NOT a man I want walking beside me all the days of my life. The lies NEVER END……the final thing we talked about today was even a lie. Janet and Roy deserve each other……I just think it’s funny that they both protect each other, yet accept that he has destroyed his family, and she has a “boyfriend”. A relationship based on alcohol and a lie is doomed……. it may be fun for now, but on down the road it is going to be an ugly reality. I am just Blessed to finally be free from the stronghold of darkness, oppression, and lies. TONS of lies. And last but not least, he wanted to make clear that he only asked me to leave HIS house, because he couldn’t afford to pay for it and pay for another place to live. Guess he shouldn’t have left like that. I’m not sure how I got that one wrong, but “reiterating” what he said, to be fair. The court date has been set, and I am SOOOO over this. YUK!