If ever there was a distraction needed, this year was the year!!! I wanted to share this experience with my Bloggin’ family, because I have to say, without a doubt, if you are hurting, go love on someone else that … Continue reading
I ran across Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show the other day, with some crazy hell-bent women, and the antics at which they have gone to to expose their circumstances with ex’s. I got a pretty good kick out of it. For a second, I thought that would be glorious to be that crazy girl on YouTube, exposing RAW (did I already say crazy?) emotion, but please know…. that is not what this is about. I sit here staring at a blank screen, knowing I need to continue this Journey, but not knowing where to start. This blog was born as I have stated before, out of the sheer desire to shout to the roof tops in an anonymous way. On Sept. 7th, the birthday of this blog and turning point of my life, I ventured out to say what I was feeling inside and THOUGHT nobody needed to know. This journey of mine began merely because I was feeling lost and frustrated with MY life. It was more about me and the silent lucidity of overwhelming proportions. I think we ALL get here, to this point. Some just visit for a moment, and some get stuck in the vortex and lose ourselves. Quite frankly, I felt like I was losing myself. I knew my marriage was slipping through my fingers, I just had NO idea to what extent. I knew I had lost something with the love of my life, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. This all has happened relatively quickly, and I am quite certain that I took each moment for granted. And just as certain am I, there is absolutely nothing I could do about it.
My husband DID discover the blog in short order. It’s not something we discussed, but he silently left it on the screen of my laptop. It’s funny though, I shared my other blog, fromthisiknow.com, regularly, and he never even commented on it once. But this one seems to have been the cardinal sin. For a time I locked it down with a password, rather than deleting it, and then I decided that I had nothing to hide. I can’t be authentic with myself if I become concerned about the fallout. I stand by the way I felt, I stand by myself, and I know I HAD to find a voice. I am only putting this one out there PUBLICLY now, because I am on a transparent journey at this point. I am learning through the events that have taken place, as I have had to reveal the details of our current situation, that I was RIGHT!!! There are those other Mom’s out there in the carpool lines feeling EXACTLY the way I was feeling. People may not need to know our business, but I tend to think that speculation is MUCH more dangerous. I could feel the gravitational pull downward, yet for some reason, I guess I thought gravity only applied to me.
Today, I am getting real with it ALL. My “Fakebook” life is now included. I finally posted today that our lives had taken a distinct turn, and I was done with pretenses, and living on Faith alone.
Friends, this is huge for me. From birth I feel like I have been taught to NOT be who I am, or say what is on my mind. Yet in the same breath, to be someone you can be proud of. Confusing at best, but it’s a wrestling match daily inside my head. Our Triumphs AND struggles form us. They make us who we are. God made us relational people, and it’s such a dark place when you walk this road alone. But guess what…….I made that post about 3 hours ago, and I currently have 48 “likes”, and 24 comments, in my tiny corner of the world. ALL full of love and support. We DO NOT have to walk through our struggles alone. People are DYING to be authentic, and to SEE someone be authentic, even during some of the most UN-Graceful days of my life. Today I have decided to take a different approach, because the sheer horror of life’s events right now have me in a tail spin, I have decided once again to document my journey. I almost feel like re-naming my blog “Love Letter’s to my estranged husband”, but then again, this journey began about me. I can not say enough, that the entirety of this blog was about ME, the season I am in in life, my dismay with my health, my longing for more LOVE in my marriage, to reconnect with life, to live every single breath with as much vigor, enthusiasm, and sheer determination as possible. To grab this gift I have been given and make the MOST of it. But to also be able to say…. “I don’t like this day”, or “I feel like S**T today” too. I never really intended for it to be about my husband personally, however, he is part of what makes me a whole. But…. I guess he didn’t take it that way. Some of the last words he has texted to me were, and I quote, “You should have never written the blog. Period.” I of course have read and re-read and re-read, and had other people read it. I don’t see what he sees. Okay, so I might be irritated if I ran across something of the sort, but considering what we are living, I think it would stop me in my footsteps. What he doesn’t understand is he wasn’t the problem, he was the solution. One thing is for sure, we are on VERY different paths, and we don’t see eye to eye, even with binoculars.
So… here is the story. On September 13, 2012, my husband took me to have my first of two injections, brought me home from the hospital, brought me a sprite, kissed me on the forehead, went to work, and never came home. Didn’t even take a tooth brush. I could stop there, because that , in and of itself, is profound. He changed the course of 5 lives in one crazy thought pattern. I have only seen his face or even heard his voice 1 time since that fateful kiss on the forehead. He can not face us, will not face us, and is blatently a coward, but most importantly a COMPLETE stranger. I know the obvious…….and yes, there is an affair. I do know, and I do know details, but I have safely compartmentalized THAT issue in the category of symptom….. this is all a symptom of a very lost soul. The signs were there, yes, before Sept. 13th, and truthfully I asked in jest….. because my heart knew. The details of this sorted tale will be vague, because quite honestly, they are useless things to focus on. My focus currently is finding the strength to trudge forward for my precious boys, and climb this mountain I have ahead with my health issues. I have to say the one thing that crosses my mind over and over and over, during the moments of sadness and missing my husband, is that he LEFT, he ABANDONED me during such a scary and complicated time in my life with my health. Thats not something I could do to someone I hate, much less someone I joined souls with. This is a terribly painful journey, FULL of ups and downs (the ups are the times I jump up and want to kick his ever-lovin’ butt). I have found my strength in God, and probably read more of the bible in the last 3 weeks then I have in the last 8 years, simply because my mind will not be quiet. The first week I was frightened to go to sleep, because I knew when I woke up, I would have to re-live the crushing blow all over again of the realization that I was living a nightmare. And then I dream that this nightmare is all a dream…… Here actually is MY last text to him…. Sept. 28th:
”I totally was just dreaming that this nightmare I am living was all a dream, and then as you were coming in to kiss me, I remembered that my life is in fact REAL, so I knew I was dreaming, and needed to wake up!! I NOW want to OFFICIALLY beat somebody up. We are too old for your mid-life crisis BULLS**T!!!” (1st REAL angry message I have sent during this process.)
Yeah, I am that girl that has pleaded, prayed, tried to rationalize, still wear my wedding ring, (yep. I said it. I’m not sure if it’s an allegiance to him, or a reminder for me to be true to MYSELF), etc., but here is the deal. This boy is lost…… he is lost, he is lost, he is lost. He is chasing after something to validate him, and can’t face the ones that know and love him. I have known for months that something truly needed to be addressed, for him. I can’t and couldn’t do it for him. He has made some INSANE decisions, and attempted to punish me like a child for protecting myself while he makes decisions that are irrational. I am going to stay the path. I am going to pray, I am going to move forward, I am going to keep having procedures, and have the BIG surgery soon. I am going to keep trying to be a light in the dark window for my boys, and I am going to hold my head high. I have a clear conscience. I get it to some degree, life has been hard for the past couple of years. It’s too much even for me!! Now I wrestle breath by breath with the idea of longing for my husband, being heart broken, feeling the pain of love unanswered, but in the next breath, I start to remember the things I don’t want back. For some reason I am gaining clarity…. I know I will survive, I know I’m not the only one…… but I NEVER thought it would happen to us. One thing is for sure, I took what I thought we had for granted. There are most definitely things that have transpired over the course of the last 3 weeks that my human mind sees as a point of no return, but I have to say, I would not have Faith in our God, and our Savior if I really believed that to be the case. I am certain that God CAN do anything……… and that includes picking me up off the floor, and giving me a GLORIOUS future. With or without the man that finally made me believe in forever.
No seriously. More and More I am obsessed with the idea of this blog and what it means to me. It was truly born out of mere frustration, the inability to be authentic with everyone around me, and to hold … Continue reading