http://fromthisiknow.com/2013/05/19/it-is-well-with-my-soul/

On November 7th, I had that incredible surgery I mentioned before.  It was relatively successful in that I am still walking (was not paralyzed), and my spinal cord is no longer being compressed.  The bone grafting they did with all the donor bone seems to be adhering, and I no longer have to walk with a walker. I have some pretty impressive bionic parts too! I am also driving, and they thought that alone could take nearly 6 months.  God has been SOOO good.  The only hiccup is the level of pain I am still in.  It seems that this will be a part of my daily life, and surely with time, I will get used to it.  I wish none of this would have ever happened, as I feel in my soul that my husband would still be here.  The first night after my surgery, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I surely don’t remember much, but I remember opening my eyes that night, and there he was, asleep in a chair in the corner.  I don’t really remember him being there any other time, but I suppose he was, as my sister said she went out into the parking lot with him, as he cried, saying how much he loved me, but that he knew I could never live with what he had done.  I know that I texted him for several days, because I saw it on my phone later, and he never returned my texts.  The last day I was in the hospital, I had just told the nurses that I could not go to in-patient rehab, because my children were and had been at home alone for 7 days at this point.  My oldest son is 19 and in college, was taking care of his brothers, and working, and pledging for a fraternity.  He was drowning.  I was waiting to hear back, and I even remember how I was laying on my right side, and I could hear his footsteps walking down the hall of the hospital, and into the room, and by the time he made it around to the side of the bed I was facing, I already had tears running down my face just because he was there.  He took me home that day.  That I do know, but the rest is a blur because they doped me up for the trip home.  Periodically over the course of the next couple of weeks he would call or text, and a couple of times would call all choked up.

I was able to find a level of forgiveness the day before my surgery, thanks to a sweet friend that contacted me, and said that she wanted to pray with me, and she and a group of AMAZING Godly women met me at the church, and prayed with me in a way I have never experienced.  I was able to come home and call him that day, and for the first time, he actually answered the phone.  I did forgive him, I do forgive him.  Really.  Is it still painful and raw??  OMGeeee is it ever.  But deep in my heart, I know that God is capable of healing everything.  The problem is he has never said he was sorry, he never asked for forgiveness.  He HAS through this process actually acknowledged and apologized for his “indiscretion” in the beginning of our marriage, but there is absolutely no remorse for what he has done to us…… himself included.  I pray, and pray, and PRAY soooo many times a day, I can’t even count.  I need this pain to go away.  Thanksgiving was TERRIBLE, but Christmas was bearable, because each year a girlfriend and I have served together in providing Christmas for 62 boys in 3 group homes.  We found out about these homes roughly 5 years ago, and the fact that the state did not have the funding to do anything at Christmas time, because these boys are ages 14-18, and all have been in some level of trouble.  It has become our passion, and lucky for me, it was a GREAT diversion to all the trauma my days have been full of since that fateful day in September.

(I just found this post in my “Drafts” folder, and decided to publish it……it’s a partial thought, a partial post, but at this time, it seems senseless to add to it, but the thoughts are there, and so very relevant to the journey.)

As you read the following account of my experience this year with the Group Home FB Christmas Project, I encourage you too, to find a way to serve those around you.  This is actually a letter I wrote to express the events of the day, as we can only use words in this situation to pass on gratitude for each persons giving hearts. Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God CAN do anything!!

5 years ago, I got a phone call from a man that has since retired, that simply said “I know it’ s only a few days til Christmas, but we have some Group Homes that don’t have anyone sponsoring them for Christmas, and I was wondering if there was any way you could help come up with 15 coats, or something…” and SO, the group home Christmas project was born.

I’m going to be honest with you….. there is an evolution that has happened here. But it’s the GREATEST part of this story. You see, I have assisted a local Church for over 10 yrs, match people up for Christmas Blessings (until 2 yrs ago). SOOO many people are over joyed to be able to take their families/kids to go buy gifts for other children. Over the years I have been able to witness the goodness and love in people’s hearts, and I have discovered that MOST want to help, they just need to know the need, and they LOVE to know the direct result, and that it is local and personal. A direct connection…..and the connections seem to be the greatest Blessing of all. God’s hand is in it every step of the way. I have felt so Blessed over the years to have the stories in my heart, that will last a lifetime. I got involved myself, primarily because there was a need, and I was a single mother for many years (and have found myself again in this position now) and I didn’t personally have the money to help, but I had the time. With each story, and each situation, God had a PERFECT match. Year after year, I witnessed people who had walked a difficult road, and come out on the other side, have the opportunity to reach out and help families in the EXACT situation. I could write a book with all the stories……BUT, the Group Homes have become my heartsong each Christmas.

When it began, the first year, we had very limited donations left to fulfill the need, but the very same day we had a man that called wanting to know if he could help with anything, and we told him of the need and he went straight to the store and got the 15 coats and delivered them. Done. Then the next year came around, and the same man made the call. Again, we got some things together. BUT…. the next year, I called him. He gave us some sizes, etc., and I don’t remember much of the details, but somehow my sweet friend Leslie wanted to know what “this” was. She told me her “story”, and this is where our passion was born. She took one whole group home and I took the other, and we fulfilled the needs, but this particular year, I actually walked through the doors of the group home, and my heart was forever changed. This year, we are sooo proud to have enough support to fulfill the needs for ALL three group homes.

You see, when most hear of a group home, they think of the children left behind. These homes are different. I found myself that year, as I was communicating to Leslie, almost apologetically explaining that these young men had criminal back grounds. Just being honest. It’s funny to me now. That mere fact is the fuel to the fire of what we do. Yes they have complicated histories, that don’t fit into the pretty picture of buying “Christmas” gifts, but that just means they need it most. They are indeed children left behind as well, they are products of their environments, BUT they are part of our future generations, and they are young men, that when having completed their “programs” will be our neighbors…… just think about that. Most of all, they have not experienced love in most cases, and have been let down by the ones they need love from the most. But love from a complete stranger is profound. Let me tell ya!!! We see the tears each year, hear the stories, and each year I can stand there and look around the room and always see at least one, if not more, sitting silently by themselves, opening their gifts with a look of awe and thanksgiving. When they look you in the eyes…… they look at you in amazement. If anyone feels unworthy, it is these boys. What we/YOU provide for them, for each boy, is a shirt, a jacket, a pair of jeans/pants, a pair of shoes, and a “wish list” item for under $15. (I told you it has been an evolution!!) And the reason for that is this….. When they first come in, most of them are coming out of an incarceration type environment, are dawned in orange jumpsuits, which then evolve to a pair of scrub pants and white t-shirts, with foam type sandals. They are put on a “program”, and as they are successful in moving up “levels” part of their reward system is to eventually be able to wear street clothes. If they have them, of course. Each year, the directors of the homes will point out the boys, and their situations, and I’m not going to pretend that the stories won’t make your toe nails curl, BUT…. to have the opportunity to plant a seed is invaluable. We do this each year in hopes that that seed will grow…….that some day, when they are out there back on the streets, that the love a stranger will help them to look at the world in a very different way. These young men feel bitter, and judged, and angry…….. Until the day we are able to pull our sleighs up outside the doors of these homes, and they see the enormity of what has been given……and it’s not about the gifts.

Last year my oldest son was able to go with me, and he sat with one group as I sat with another. These young men at the home I personally go to each year are ages 14-18. Before we went my son was looking at the lists, and there are things like socks on their wish lists, along with body wash, acne wash, and ethnic hair products, because of course the state doesn’t have funding to provide these. My son looked at me and was blown away by the fact that for Christmas, these boys wanted what was under his sink. Leslie and I this year were able to tell them not to use their “wishes” for these items, as we were committed to making sure they all had those anyway. But these boys, being nearly the same age as my son (you have to be 18 to be able to go in there) sat there in astonishment, some telling him that they had never received a gift before. Ever. Again, this year, one of the people that work with these boys, had been at each “Party” yesterday, spoke of MANY that had not had Christmas. I can’t imagine that, not because of the gifts, but because our society as a whole this time of year BLEEDS with the commercialism of Christmas, and every where they go, they have to stare in the face of all they don’t have……… the “picture” of Christmas in our country is one of perfect families, opulent gifts, parties, events, etc….. it’s EVERY WHERE YOU LOOK. Imagine being that person that has a broken family or no family at all. No money, parents on drugs, homeless situations, as they listen to the “jingle bells” all around them and see all the “Joy” around them that they have never experienced. Let THAT sink in…… and then think about each one of them being in a “lock up” situation to boot. These kids HATE what Christmas stands for.

Facebook Group Home Christmas Project 2012

BUT….. YOU ALL are changing that one boy at a time. Because the number one thing that Leslie and I convey as we each have an opportunity to speak to them before they open the gifts, is that yes, we brought “Christmas Gifts”, but inside those boxes are SO much more. Each boy has had someone “adopt” them, they know their name. They shop specifically for each one…… and they/YOU are PRAYING for them. They realize that we KNOW they are broken, but we are delivering the equivalent of a hug, a sign of encouragement, that says “Yeah, I know, BUT….. today you have a choice to have a different future. We BELIEVE in you!!” Over and over I can not say enough, this is NOT us showing up with pretty packages like the little elves you would think….. the items in those boxes are a vessel of hope. And these boys FEEL it……. the tough guys, with the tears and the amazement in their eyes…. the softness in their eyes, for that moment, says it all.

Being there is a reward, and I must say, that each year you too have the opportunity to be there, to be an instrument, to witness to them, if you ever want to, but there is another aspect to this all, that has an even bigger impact on me. It’s YOU, and your stories. I have tears just typing this part. As I fire up my sleigh each year, I have found as I come into your homes to pick up your gifts, that I need to clear my schedule to do so, because your stories and WHY you have chosen to reach out are my favorite part. I have driven many hours around this city with tears streaming down my face because what I get to walk away with, just knowing each of you. I feel like I am THE MOST Blessed by all of this. I am the messenger, the vessel of communication, and I get to walk away with the priceless gold…… This outreach has grown and exploded to a degree that Leslie and I are sooo humbled by. So many of you write personal notes, and I do share your stories. I’m going to jump out there and tell you a story, that I truly hope the individual I’m speaking of doesn’t mind. BUT… a friend last year shared the initiative, and I was contacted by someone I didn’t know. I gave them their “list”, they shopped, and I went to pick up the “items”. As I was picking them up from this man, I learned that they had just been through a difficult time financially and had just moved here to Norman to be closer to family. BUT…. he told me a story of when he was young. He had always wanted “cool” shoes, and one year his Father had found a “cool” name brand pair of shoes, in a dumpster. He was sooo proud, and wore the tattered discarded shoes…. to school. You can imagine how that was received by the other children. Because of that experience, along with the years of being told there would be no Christmas, this family buys the best darn Christmas Shoes there is. At times, Leslie and I fill in for kids with remaining donations, and pair people up to make it happen for each child, but when it comes to the one that received these Christmas Shoes…. I don’t add a thing. I tell these boys the story, and I always stand back and watch that boy open his Christmas Shoes…… and there is always more pride then you can imagine, SO much gratitude, and both years, silent tears. All the boys ask around to see who the recipient of the Christmas Shoes is too….. It matters that they matter people. I could go on and on and on you guys………

Our friends have shared the initiative, and we now have new friends to add to our family. I personally have had several new friendships born from this. We have people from ALL OVER the US that shop and ship! Unfortunately this isn’t a situation where we can take pictures, and share the joy. It’s left up to us to come up with the words to convey the impact YOU are having. THAT my dear friends is virtually impossible. It’s impossible even for me each year to process my emotions…..I am usually rendered speechless. Last night, I myself took my son to church, and was driving home, and just cried and cried and cried. I decided instead to go check out the fabulous Down’s Christmas lights by myself, in my slippers! Ha! I drove out there and sat on the hood of the car, (thank you Oklahoma bi-polar weather!) laying there trying to process it all. Yesterday was MY Christmas…… right now my personal circumstances are poopy, BUT I am the luckiest girl on Earth!!! Thank YOU for being instruments of God’s unconditional LOVE, encouragement, and HOPE. Now prepare yourselves……. we are committed THIS year to make this a year round operation, and I know we will be able to expand to areas unknown, but God gave us this opportunity and we are going to RUN with it!! “1nGrained” we are…… with YOUR seeds of hope!! Love y’all, and MERRY STINKIN’ CHRISTMAS!!!!!

In  addition to the story you just read, I had a counseling lady approach me that day.  She was APPALLED by what we (most importantly, GOD) was able to accomplish via facebook connections.  She went home that evening and “friended” me, and her status was something to the fact that she had met a woman (that would be me! Haha!) that day that convinced her that if she knew anyone in need, all you had to do was throw it out there on FB and people will help.  The only thing was, nobody had bitten.  I asked her what the need was, and had the MOST amazing opportunity to connect with a sweet, VERY young family with 4 boys ages 2-6.  That very next day my son was Blessed with a HUGE bonus (gift) from work, and we were able to provide Christmas (extremely last minute), and a tree with decorations, and stockings FULL from Santa, all with the help of others.

But the biggest need was EVERYTHING for their apartment.  It turns out this family had moved here to be closer to their family, because one child has the same brain condition I do, and spends a lot of time in the hospital, but they couldn’t afford to move their things as well.  They both had worked long enough to secure a tiny apartment, but they had absolutely NOTHING.  SOOO often I have run across these situations, and served where I could, but this family has stolen my heart.  I am pleased to say, that through FB, since Christmas Eve through this past weekend, their apartment is completely furnished, including kitchen stuff and linens for the beds.  ALL from Facebook!!  Try it!  Be the difference that someone’s story needs………

My marriage is a loss, the last 8 years are a loss, but I am still intact.  Sad, but intact.  I am worthy of an amazing future, and I am looking forward to it.  I have a lot to offer someone, and somehow, I understand that this man did me a favor.  My best days are ahead of me, and they are REAL, TRUE, and FULL of love….. a very deserving love.  I have let this take too much of my soul, and I can say he didn’t earn that.  Nobody does.  If they take away from your life, and don’t add to it, don’t strengthen you and lift you up, don’t believe in you and support you, if they walk out when you are in your darkest hour, it’s more than time to move on!!

Having said that, please come join me over at http://www.fromthisiknow.com, as it will carry the “brighter days” I have ahead of me.  I am leaving this dark place, and moving forward.  Thanks for the encouragement.

In retrospect, I recognize that there was nothing I could say or do to help him see things for the way they really were.  The events over the years are maddening, along with my incessant desire to “prove” to him what he was choosing to see was a perverted sense of reality.  I was not that person, and I did not think like he did.  My mother asked me very early on in this process “WHY” exactly I was sad, and what part of all this I missed.  My answer was simply that I loved and missed my husband.  I tend to believe that I am the hopeless romantic……. clearly I have tried love on for size a few times too many.  I can say I have a fault in choosing which “kind” of love to participate in.  None of which have been healthy.  Clearly.  I have had a very unhealthy view of myself for my entire life, and my reflection has brought forth the realization that I have set out in this world to prove to EVERYONE that I am not who they think I am, but to do that, I have found myself only investing in the ones who think that of everyone around them.  I’m not sure how that happens, because it certainly does not happen consciously .  I can not say enough that I believed in him, and that what he did, was doing, and thought, was not truly who and what he was.  We ALL have the ability to be authentic, to be our best selves, and to choose at any given moment to live a life of truth, happiness, and love.  A positive life.  Looking back, I can see all the times that I was sooo perplexed by what I call “backwards thinking”, and his uncanny ability to see life through a skeptical lens, that was not only negative, but it was a bleak perspective. So dark and dreary.

My responsibility comes in where my heart break is concerned, because I kept thinking that some day a light would shine down, and cause an epiphany of sorts, and he would all of a sudden believe in me.  However, my reflection has brought forth the realization that I never gave him a reason NOT to believe in me.  Sure, I have said things and done things I shouldn’t.  Lord, have I ever.  But I have tried to be ever so careful all the days of our marriage to hold on to “proof” of why, or what happened.  I recognize he had his mind made up about me from day one, and it truly has nothing to do with me, yet had everything to do with him, and how he in fact felt about me.  I have always felt like no matter what, if I was having a bad day, he wanted to beat me to it.  If I didn’t feel good, I was constantly having to upfront make sure I made it clear that it was not about him.  If something happened with the kids, it got to the point that I wasn’t even sure if I should talk to him about it anymore.  I got to the point where I was starting conversations with “Please understand that I am just telling you what is going on, and I have already handled it this way…..”  I was constantly having to point out with my boys that they were in fact really good boys with different strengths and weaknesses, none of which were the same.  The things that constantly angered him, I now realize are the things that defined who HE was.  I constantly wanted him to see the world in a different, more positive, uplifting way.  His family, my family, my children, his daughter, even his ex-wife.  My friends………because you see, I never met any of his friends.  He kept his life FAR away from me.  I never had a relationship with his family, but clearly I understand why now.  Early in our marriage (right after it began) when the first affair was brought into our marriage, I made the mistake of asking him to speak with his Mom about it, because I thought she could help him understand.  She had been through it herself.  Instead, through the laughter and the yelling as I previously wrote about, he told me that his Mom in fact said that she never liked me so he should divorce me anyway.  I didn’t know she didn’t like me……… until then.  For the rest of my days with him, I tolerated the time with his family, because he asked me to.  In this situation as well, I thought some day perhaps they would see that I was a good person.

The funny thing is EVERYONE who knows me, knows my heart.  They see me for who I am….. we all have faults. But I have run myself straight into the ground trying to do and be what I thought everyone wanted me to do and be.  That is why I found myself creating this blog, to say that I just wanted to be okay with being ME.  I do not lie, I do not cheat, I do say things I shouldn’t, yet I OWN what I do.  I take accountability for ALL my actions.  But over the years I have found myself in desperation just trying to get my husband to see the level of insanity that had transpired over the years, just desperately trying to get him to be accountable, to see for himself where he had gone wrong. Not for blame purposes, just so that he perhaps would see the injustice and recognize it, so that he could put it away and never revisit again.  A prime example of this is something that happened last year, that to this day brings tears to my eyes.  The summer of 2011 was an incredibly difficult time, as I had my 2nd brain surgery in June, and had just spent a maddening 9 months in and out of the hospital with a total of 12 major surgeries.  It had gotten to a point where I wasn’t even sure I was going to make it through it.  My oldest son graduated high school in May of that year, and the next week I had the brain surgery.  My Grandmother was in the final days of her life with cancer, we were in a MAJOR financial crisis, and we needed to sell the house in a major way.  We had some things on the horizon to relieve the financial burden, but getting there was the challenge.  I spent hour after hour and day after day trying to build up my husband, reassure him, and give him perspective.  Physically I was absolutely worn out, not to even mention spiritually and emotionally.  I’m not 100% certain of all the details of this, because one thing I truly struggle with are the details.  My brain will not allow me to recall much, at least not on the fly.  But suffice it to say, stress was high, emotions were higher, and I could not even get my husband to see the light of day.  There were days where it was exhausting.  I tried to praise him, I tried to come up with the answers, and when I had none, I tried to convince him that no matter what, as long as WE survive, nothing else mattered.  I remember telling him on the front porch that I just wanted US to be okay, that I would live in a cardboard box with him.  Things are NOT what matters to me, and never have been.  I’m not going to say that I don’t enjoy them, but they do not define me.  They are not what brings me happiness.

Somehow, something happened, and again I don’t remember what, but he became enraged.  Started absolutely shredding me as he so often does when he is at his wits end.  He had actually gotten better about it for a time, but this time he went ALL the way back and used every weapon he always had.  Attacked EVERY facet of who I was.  That night we had a house full of teenage boys, that were leaving for church camp the next morning, and my youngest was leaving for his Dad’s house in the next couple of days.  I fell asleep on the couch, completely unintentionally.  Around midnight he came exploding down the stairs screaming and stomping in such rage, that it actually scared me.  I have previously been in an extremely violent relationship that was driven by fear, and that is one thing I promised myself I would NEVER live again.  I went to bed in shock and horror over what had just happened.  But didn’t sleep……all night long.  The next morning I took the older boys to church camp, and pack my youngest sons stuff, and a bag for me and decided to go stay with a friend for a little while.  This is something I had never done.  As I said, my grandmother was in her final days, and I was going over they daily at this point, and my health was still pretty unstable, and I just didn’t have the strength to fight this battle any longer.  I needed a big time break.  As I was packing my things, I reached up on the wall in the hallway by my bathroom and yanked off a picture of Jesus, the first gift my husband ever got for me, and “tossed” it in his closet.  Right or wrong, I did it.  I did it because he had spent 3 months praying and fasting for my health that year, he was my hero, and I finally believed in his love, and here I stood at ground zero again with him absolutely shredding EVERYTHING there was about me.  I left for a little over a week, we talked the whole time, and looking back at those emails, I see effective healing communication for the first time in our marriage.  A few weeks after I came back, my grandmother died, my family came and went, the boys all came back from their adventures, and little was spoken of this again…….but one day I was walking into my bathroom, and the light was just right, and I realized that the word bitch had been carved into the wall with a knife where that picture once hung.  I didn’t know what to do, or say, so I said nothing.  He HAD to know it was there…… surely he was going to do something about it.  Weeks went by of me looking at that EVERY single morning, several times a day.  You see, over the years I have hired the people to fix the walls that he took down with a base ball bat, I took my car in to have the $3700 worth of damage fixed that he beat into it with his fists, I have cleaned up the messes, replaced the broken furniture, etc., all so that my boys did not have to live in the midst of the “mess”.  Every time these things happened, he would leave for a few days, long enough for me to clean up the mess.  This time I wasn’t going to “fix” it.  I kept waiting.  One day it made my blood boil, so I got a pencil and wrote the word “Thanks” with an arrow pointing to it, but still said nothing.  I mean…. surely he had forgotten it was there, right???  Still nothing.  Months and Months go by, until about 6 months ago, I finally said “Hey.  We need to talk about something.”  Looking at that every day negates his “I love you’s”, and all the other “niceties”. He still didn’t fix it……..we talked about it several times.  A few months ago, I even bought the materials he would need to fix it.  Still nothing.  He justified it, but telling me it was because I “DESTROYED” that picture.  I kept saying over and over and over that I didn’t destroy anything……I tossed it in his closet.  It was maddening to me because I KNEW I didn’t destroy it.  The carving (or writing) is still on the wall…… and then a couple of weeks ago, I was in the attic looking for something for one of my sons activities, and there it was, hidden in the dark attic……..the picture of Jesus.  Without a scratch on it.  Anywhere.  I brought the picture in the house, tears streaming down my face.  I finally had proof.  So, I brought it into the light, trying to explain to my grandmother why I was sooo hysterical at that moment, and took a picture of it with my phone, and sent it to him in a message that said “Here it is.  Here is what you have used to justify carving the word “bitch” into the wall with a knife.  There is not a scratch on it.”  And to this day he hasn’t even acknowledged the text or the picture.  He has just moved on to all the other reasons he hates me.

I tell that story only because I am beginning to realize I have been on a quest, that isn’t mine.  I can have ALL the proof in the world of absolutely anything, yet he find justification for ALL of his insane madness.  I am now firmly standing, knowing with FULL certainty, that NO MATTER WHAT, there is nobody on the face of this earth that deserves this level of disregard and devastation, for any reason.  There is nothing to defend anymore.  I was told by his girl “Janet” the other day that I let a “good man” slip through my fingers……and I have had a range of emotion about that very statement.  First let me just say that a “good man” would not put himself or his family through this, and be living in her home, but most of all, I have finally realized that he too spent all these years trying to be someone other than who he was, and it caught up with him.  It’s funny all the “points of no return” that have come and gone, and each night I still find myself on my knees crying out to God, no longer for him to come home, but for him to find healing.  Whatever that means.  I find myself feeling the pain of his conflicted soul, and for him I just want peace.  When you love someone sooo completely, without abandon, you care DEEPLY for them.  It’s hard to find the anger anymore, I just sooo desperately worry about him.  He is in such a destructive mode, and at 46, it’s time that his life be enveloped with peace.  I do have a final point of no return, and I can’t quite figure out why this even still brings tears to my eyes.  He has known how desperate my health situation has been, he has seen the uncontrollable pain.  He has seen me shake, cry and vomit uncontrollably, yet he has left me to deal with it alone, and to take care of daily life alone, not just for me, but for my 3 boys as well.  I have received devastating news over and over again since he left, and I have spoken with him about the finality of it all, but there is not even a shred of emotion in his voice, BUT…. On Nov. 7th, when I have to walk through those hospital doors, with the sheer horror I have ahead of me, without him there, holding my hand………..I will NEVER EVER look back.  THAT I can guarantee.  This Journey will be over……… and a new one will be begin.  It’s probably time.

Perspective is something I have lost track of through this process, and the fact that I am solution oriented.  I have come to understand that the things this man is running from are in his head, and he can’t get away from them.  The only solution I see is seeking solutions and living in God’s word.  I wish he would join me, there is a great love and great future to be had, but I can’t make him love me, and I definitely can’t make him believe that I am capable of loving him SO completely.  He will forever be a part of my soul, I’m just praying there comes a day when there are less tear stains on my pillow at night.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, for that I am sure.  Now to put this away, and gain all the strength I can to face Nov. 7th with as much Grace and determination that my little body and GIANT spirit can muster.  I WILL overcome.

What I can’t wrap my brain around is the tangled web of lies, and the lies to cover up the lies, and the lies created by those lies.  It’s exhausting!!  In his futile attempt to “tell me what I needed to know” this week, there were just more lies, and things he “created” to distract from those lies.  I think if I was capable of telling even 1% of the lies I have been told, I too would completely lose my mind and have a TOTAL mental breakdown because of it.  Maybe I know I’m not smart enough to lie like this, but I can’t imagine the time and energy it would take to make sure your lies and untruths match up…. long term.  I’m not sure if this blog thing IS a healing process, or if it perpetuates the problem, for me.  I find myself tonight wanting to pour out my soul in words, all because I had another dream, during a short nap on my couch while waiting for a load of laundry to finish up.  This is the 2nd one I have had, that is SOOO real, I wake up physically ill, and uncomfortable in my own skin.  It’s like a virtual reality, walking through a situation, a conversation that quite literally can happen.  But the end result is not good, and the reality is, it is a depiction of the life I was living before Sept. 13th, and didn’t even recognize it.  It WAS miserable.

I know a LOT of the truth of what has transpired since Sept. 13, and some truth about what transpired just a month prior.  I know, because I was seeking answers, and they are readily available.  Am I crazy for looking, or hiring a private investigator?? NO…. you are crazy for abandoning your family.  At one point, I realized it had been 3 weeks since he left…. my husband was out there, and I didn’t know where.  He had NOTHING that he owned.  It crossed my mind how normal it would be for a wife to file a missing persons report, and then I realized that this happens all too frequently.  Yes friends….. thats right.  This isn’t the first time.  We technically started off our marriage with him bringing the affair he had on his previous wife (of 17 years) into ours….. but that of course was my fault.  Just like all the rest.  The only thing is, back then I believed it to a certain extent.  It was devastating.  I did what I could at the time to smooth the ruffled feathers….. funny looking back at it now.  I was trying to make up for HIS infidelity.  How many of us do that????  Looking back….. he never even said he was sorry.  He laughed at my tears, yelled at me for my pain.  Much as it is now.  I do NOT want this in my life EVER again.  I’m still processing it all, but each day it is more and more clear.  A few years ago, I also “tripped” over a website he had joined, only to discover his screen name was “okscum”.  Not kidding.  I was heart broken, primarily because that was my HUSBAND, and that is what he thought of himself, and that broke my heart.  Now I can clearly see why he thought that about himself.

There are so many more things I could type here, but I won’t do it.  I won’t do it for many reasons, but looking back at our short 8 yr relationship, I am beyond perplexed at the amount of devastation we have lived through, and I am shocked that not only did others not see it, but neither did I.  I kept hoping things would change, things would get better, he would one day be sorry.  All it did was create a great divide.  I wanted to forgive him, I SOOOO bad wanted to.  But he never asked.  And truly, the only things that I knew about are the ones I tripped over.   How much more is there?  That brings me to where I am today.  He laughs at me and lies to me, as I am just trying to get the truth.  I mentally need to move on.  I keep thinking I should be the loyal to the death wife, like somehow it is my “calling” to love him through this.  To Endure the pain, that something great and wonderful will come out of it.  It’s insane.  I no more owe him that, then I owe the devil my soul.  And I’m finally getting there.  Because I know more than what I have told him this time, not because I am playing games, but because if there EVER WAS going to be the day that he lays his life at the foot of the cross, seeks help, and really commits to this farce of a marriage we have, I need the whole truth, not just the things he knows about this time.  I did have a conversation with him the other day where he started laughing at me (yet again…… it’s his signature “lying” move) and said all I do is “bluff, bluff, bluff”.  Well……I threw 2 or 3 things out there from my back pocket, and I got nothing but silence.  He called me stupid a few weeks ago, but we BOTH KNOW stupid is not something I can be accused of.  I did finally have a conversation with his ex-wife the other day……..I now understand so much.  I am living the EXACT same nightmare she did at the end of her marriage.  The lies, the laughing, the disappearing, the anger, the vicious words, and the silence.  ALL OF IT.

He still will not admit to a “sexual” affair with his girl Janet, the woman he was conveniently in contact with on a singles site back in Aug., the woman he moved in with.  The woman that I found my way to her front door, the woman who’s 25 yr marriage ended for the same reason.  I was taken for a fool, and told that she was an old “family friend” (cute huh?), the woman that also says she has a “boyfriend” (yet admits to an emotional affair with my husband), and a woman who is a college instructor at a local Community College.  It took me a little while to see through the “family friend” thing.  Probably because I wanted to believe it soooo bad.  She now says they are in an “emotional affair”, that they have a great fun, a stress-free, good time.  Does it ever occur to these people that that is because they don’t have real life together??  Real issues, kids, financial stress, not to mention my health nightmare???  Good grief.  Here is the kicker though….. he called to tell me “everything” the other night, which wasn’t even a FRACTION of the truth by the way.  He DID admit to going to a trashy country bar here locally and picking up one night stands.  Girls he doesn’t even know their name.  Uses them for sex, like a sexual predator, and never sees them again.  I am SHOCKED AND APPALLED.  Gross!!!  I feel like I need a shower just typing that sentence.  How would I ever even look this man in the eyes again???  Here is the bigger question….. how can this man continue to treat women with SUCH disregard, and dishonor, and have a daughter in her early 20′s, and be ANY kind of loving example to her??  It makes me SICK to even think about these things,not to mention the example I have ALLOWED him to set for my 3 young men.

NO… he has not attempted to come back, but I can clearly see he has dug himself into a hole that he didn’t even foresee.  I TRULY think this man got the notion that he was tired of responsibility, and the stress that existed in our current lives (most of which I had NO control over) and he TRULY believed that he could in fact hit the road and sail off into the sunset.  Twice now he has told me to get out of HIS house, because he no longer has a place to go, and he legally is forced to continue paying for the house.  I can promise you that I in NO way want to spend another day here, but because of the situation with my health, and the road I have ahead of me, I have no other option.  Not for now.  There is a song by Carrie Underwood that speaks VOLUMES to this situation called “Blown Away”.  It says…”There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma, to wash the sins out of this house.  There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma to rip the nails out of the past.  Shatter every window til it’s all Blown Away.  Every brick, every board, every slammin door….. Blown Away.  Til there’s nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday.”  Yeah…..I do live in Oklahoma, and I’m officially praying for a tornado.  In the past 10 days, this stranger I used to call my husband has started some type of contact again, but it’s largely sarcastic in nature, and at times laughable.  He has attempted to make me feel sorry for him regarding his financial situation that absolutely makes NO sense to me whatsoever (and this is the reason I started to need some REAL answers.  Pity was getting the best of me.  Thank goodness he is still the same lier he always was, or who KNOWS what I would have done)  I also told him that I was going out last night.  There is that part to us all that wants to stick a dagger into the heart of the ones who hurt us, but I called right back and left a message letting him know that I was in fact going out with girlfriends to a concert.  No big deal.  He sent me a text on his way out of town that said “You be sure and have a good time tonight.  I’m headed to Antlers.”  and I of course told him I would, that I needed it!  And then I sent him a picture……. there is that dagger thing I was talking about.  Here it is….

I promptly got a text back that said I made him “run off the road”, and then he said “I mean that literally”.  I said he was not supposed to text and drive, and he said “I am not supposed to drink and drive either”.  Right here is a perfect depiction of our lives……am I the moral police??  No…..but should that even be an issue??  The last thing I said to him was… and I quote “That’s the thing with you….. you are always SOOO self destructive.  I wish you would just take care of you…” His response???  ”like what? Shoot myself?”  All I had to say to that was No.  And by the way, when the heck did he start drinking??  I have found liquor bottles all around the garage.  I’m just bewildered.  He told me not too very long ago (by text of course, just like everything else) that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever “been” with.  I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or not, but I am not 15.  This is my husband, that has torn apart EVERYTHING else there is about me, yet he wants to call me beautiful?  Last I checked, God did that.  God made me to look the way I do on the outside.  My HUSBAND should see the beauty in my soul, the beauty in my heart, and want to cherish that and protect that.  I’m not that girl.

I am loyal to a fault at this point, and if not to him, I am to myself.  I have a LOT more self worth than all that, and I will NOT allow myself to stoop to the level that he has.  SURE….. there are walking, talking, scum bags everywhere, free for the taking.  Not what I want for my life.  I am fine alone, actually, very much at peace for the first time in a long time.  I have my moments of crushing pain in my chest, but thats because I miss the good times, I miss touching his face, I miss watching him breathe, all the nights I couldn’t sleep,  I miss what I thought it could be, and I realize that it never was. There is this man in there that is the absolute direct OPPOSITE of everything I just typed.  I can’t figure it out.  It was all built on the foundation of a lie.  An unstable foundation, that finally came crashing down around him.  My foundation is still firm.  I am on solid ground.

UPDATE:  I thought I would make it public that “He” declared today that the whole “bar” thing was a lie….Too.  Who knows what is what anymore, but I DO know that this is NOT a man I want walking beside me all the days of my life.  The lies NEVER END……the final thing we talked about today was even a lie.  Janet and Roy deserve each other……I just think it’s funny that they both protect each other, yet accept that he has destroyed his family, and she has a “boyfriend”.  A relationship based on alcohol and a lie is doomed……. it may be fun for now, but on down the road it is going to be an ugly reality.  I am just Blessed to finally be free from the stronghold of darkness, oppression, and lies.  TONS of lies.  And last but not least, he wanted to make clear that he only asked me to leave HIS house, because he couldn’t afford to pay for it and pay for another place to live.  Guess he shouldn’t have left like that.  I’m not sure how I got that one wrong, but “reiterating” what he said, to be fair.  The court date has been set, and I am SOOOO over this. YUK!

It’s taken me a bit to find my way back to these pages, as the journey is long and treacherous.  I find myself in the throws of someone else’s life, a life I do not understand.  As each day ticks on, I realize that it is too far gone.  My marriage that is.  It’s been 5 weeks today.  While I process that, let me start this by giving you the update on my health.  Dire as it may seem, I for some reason am able to process THIS topic with a lot more ease.

As I said before, in my last post, the final test results are in, and surgery is needed immediately.  I am scheduled for that surgery on November 7th.  Just 3 weeks.  While my Grandmother was here, she went to the surgeon with me, to get all the details, the only thing is, I realized that even I did not have all the details.  I just knew they said it would be rough.  This is what I now know…. Thank God I was sitting down.  Because of the location of the problem, they (a neurosurgeon and thoracic surgeon) will have to go in on both sides of my spine, removing ribs and bone on both sides.  They will have to go in, in front of my spine, behind my heart (where the bone fragment is) and physically pull back my spinal cord to be able to reach the bone fragment, which puts my risk of paralysis in the super high category. If I don’t do it, paralysis is almost guaranteed.  Provided this is a “successful” surgery, I will still most likely have difficulty having proper use of my legs for some time.  I have been told that I will have to walk with a walker, and not be able to drive for up to 6 months.  Where they remove the ribs and bone, they will have to replace it with donor bone from a bone bank, and remove stem cells from the bone in my hips, to put in the donor bone to try to “re-grow” the bone.  Provided my body does not reject the donor bone, it will take roughly 2 yrs for the bone to be stable.  Because of this, I will have pins and clamps in my spine that will actually protrude from my back…… and will be there for the duration of the 2 yrs.  After 2 yrs, provided that the regrowth of the bone is successful, they will have to go in and remove all the hardware.  It will be difficult for me to sit with my back against a chair (driving….) as well as lying on my back.  For 2 yrs.  I’m really not kidding.  I wish I was.  Pretty sexy, don’t ya think??  Ha!  I guess I will be single for a while!  The theme of my days of late, are ones of crushing blows to my spirit, and my heart, making it difficult to breathe.  This day was no exception. As I left the Doctor’s office, the world was a blur, my head was spinning, and all I could hear was a rushing sound in my ears, and a pounding in my head.

This blog began as a “Cathartic Expression” of a “Real Housewife” falling to pieces on the inside, literally and emotionally.  I thought that I needed to express my distain in an anonymous way.  There are two things I can now say “From This I Know…..”;  One, everything around me HAS fallen to pieces, and I have NOT.  The other thing is that anonymous only isolates the lonely more. I’m not sure how to comprehend the level of tragedy in my daily life right now.  All I knew to be true and right is all a compounded lie, a facade.  The funny thing is, the alarm still goes off in the morning, breakfast still has to be made, bills still have to be paid, carpools still have to be driven, soccer still happens, church still happens, the people in the drive thru’s, the checker’s at Walmart, the people at the Dr.’s offices….. everywhere I go, still say “Hello!!  How are you?”, and “have a good day!”  With each casual “nicety” my soul is crushed that much more, but I am learning to smile back, and even though I may be thinking “you have NO idea…” I can still say that I will in fact have a good day.  Perhaps not today, but possibly tomorrow.  The days DO get better.  I look at the world around me, and can NOT believe it is still rotating.  When I visit my alternatives in my mind, I am left with no other choice.  Survival.  Again, 1000 times, in all kindness, I am told how strong I am, how faithful I am, what an inspiration I am.  I BEG of you, what choice do I have??  This dark black hole that I am staring into, is not an inviting place.  So I look up…… and I will continue to do so, forever.  As long as I have breath, I chose strength, hope, honor, and dignity.  Anything shy of that is an invitation to the abyss of hopeless despair.  I can’t imagine having to add shame and dishonor to this list of tragedies in my days.  If nothing else, when I lay my head down at night, I can do so with peace in knowing I am true to myself, and I am someone my boys can hold in high esteem.

I have truly protected a large part of this story, because focusing on the details has been dangerous at best.  I can honestly say that his truth and my truth are world’s apart.  I am SOOO terribly perplexed by the events of the last 5 weeks, and baffled by the excuses and explanations.  I keep waiting for him to have an epiphany, and come back to his senses.  Not necessarily back to me, but maybe back somewhere between here and there.  I am coming to realize that I can not focus on what he says, believes,or uses as excuses.  I am responsible for me, my reactions, and the depth to which I allow myself to experience the pain.  A week and a half ago, my dog was going bananas and needed out at 2:30am, so I took him out, and as I stepped into the darkness, there “He” was, on his motorcycle, driving by the house.  I stood frozen for an hour and a half….. literally praying for the epic love story scene you see in the movies.  Only to find myself praying for the strength to go back inside.  That moment gave me clarity….. clarity that perhaps he is torn, but that I am okay. I had learned earlier that week that the “woman” he was living with, made him move out, so I’m sure that is what it largely has to do with.  I stand behind my convictions, I am not torn.  I’m sorry it came to this, but as I went back to bed, I was okay.  I didn’t stop breathing, and the sun still came out the next morning.  I have since received an “I’m sad” text in the middle of the night as well.  I’m not sure what he is sad about, but I am sorry he is sad.  He made an extreme decision for us all, one that we have to live with.  I find myself trying to defend and rationalize what he says, and then I take a step back and look at it from the outside.  I can not defend this insanity, because it is not my truth.

Friends…. you MUST stop looking at me with pity, because I KNOW that with great tragedy comes GREAT TRIUMPH.  I WILL overcome.  My future is clearly undefined, but I know that I will find love again.  A love that is true, and real, and God centered.  (For REAL this time)  My boys are rockstars, and every day they make me proud.  This health thing will all be a memory some day, because like I have said before…

“If not by stature, by Spirit I will ALWAYS stand tall.  With God I will NOT be shaken, nor will I be forsaken.  You can take THAT one to the bank my friends!!”

I am stuck on a treadmill of hopeless emotion, and it is running at a perpetual state of UN-Grace.  It’s funny, I find strength in the reason’s why I miss the days of my life prior to Sept. 13th, and in the moments of reflection, all of a sudden my chest finds a crushing weight that makes each breath labored at best, so in the next moment I find strength in all the reasons why I don’t want what I was living back, followed by finding strength in why I think it could be different, perhaps something it never was, which means it could possibly never be.  Last but not least…… the hopeless emotion.  The reality that it is, and I will never know why.  Can I point out that I would not have to be on this treadmill, if I would in fact sit down and pick up the Bible, rather than jumping on the round-a-bout motion of all the why’s.

We are taught to do, never to just be.  I am a doer, because I think I can, and I think it will make a difference.  I have done my way into the abyss of unanswered love.  The morning of Sept. 13th I woke up with one word in a loud audible voice, and it was ENDURE.  Of course I said ENDURE what??  The answer was…”what lies ahead”.  Honest.  Guess what my next question was….. Why.  Nothing but silence.  I thought it was regarding my health, that is all that I saw on the horizon.  In just a few hours, my entire life would change and I had NO idea.  I suspect that there are many who are reading this, that of course have had those life changing moments.  Just the IDEA of a life changing moment sounds scary.  But the reality is life is nothing but those moments.  OF COURSE the moment is life changing…… a change happens every moment.  I guess it just depends on what changes in that moment.  For me, I guess that moment was clarity.  Clarity that something was TERRIBLY wrong, and poof.  He was gone.

Here is where today’s story gets most UN-Graceful.  I hope you are sitting down.  This story is calculated, premeditated, and complete with the follow-through.  (and NO…….I’m NOT talking about “him”, I’m still trying to keep this about me!)  For 3 weeks I have been asking why, and on Oct. 4th, this past Thursday, I had an urgency to no longer be patient OR still.  I began the day with Strength in God’s promises;

“James 1:12-15 Happy are those who remain faithful under trials, because when they succeed in passing such a test, they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised to those who love him. If we are tempted by such trials, we must not say, “This temptation comes from God.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he himself tempts no one. But we are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (GNT)”

and ended it with Satan’s hatred, believing his why’s, and putting value in his lies.  It’s amazing how when we give way to our emotions, we find ourselves on this very pendulum.  I have to back up a tad a fill you in a bit on the weeks events, ASIDE from the absurdity with my husband.  My health, as most of you know by now, has been a nightmare in and of itself.  Please check out my post “I’ll take this lickin’ and keep on tickin’ y’all” to catch up.  The current situation with my spine and the “sequestered disc” has been a bit of a shock, as each step we take seems to get a bit more complicated.  What it boils down to is this.  For some strange reason I have a disc that ruptured on my Thoracic spine at T7-8.  A piece of bone fragment has found it’s way into my spinal canal, and currently has my spinal cord compressed to the back side of the most narrow part of your spine, not to mention this portion of your spine is completely immobile.  It is surrounded by your ribs, bone, and on the front side is your heart.  OF COURSE luck would have it, this has occurred on the front side of my spine, behind my heart.  Nothing can be simple in my life , if you haven’t figured that out by now.  We found out what THIS surgery would entail the week before my husbands disappearance.  The surgery description is a dire situation at best, and the recovery ….. well, it will be fine.  They have to remove ribs, bone, and go around to the front side of my spine behind my heart to remove the fragment in my spinal canal.  Whatever.  I have a team of Doctor’s, and had yet to speak with my new Neurosurgeon about this, and the week after my husband left was my appt..  Of course I walked into that Dr’s office a complete emotional wreck, because I could NOT believe I was standing in there alone.  To make matters worse, this well-intentioned Dr. decided to tell me that he in fact does not think it is a bone fragment, he believes it to be a lesion/tumor of some sort.  HELLO total meltdown.  This guy had a mess on his hands.  Needless to say, he wanted to schedule MORE tests.  I had to call in re-inforcement for the boys, (My sweet Grams is here), because it was a small surgical procedure to put dye in my spine to test it’s “reactivity”, and then go home and stay FLAT for roughly 2 days, so that I did not end up with another spinal leak.  Please note, that immediately following the procedure, the Doc came in and announced that it in fact was NOT a tumor, it WAS bone fragment, and I needed to procede with plans for surgery soon.  For those of you reading this that don’t know me very well, laying flat for any length of time for me takes an act of God.  No matter what.

A little over 24 hrs post procedure, my mind got away from me.  I started to think, “I WILL NOT BE DISPOSED OF!!”, along with how tired I was of HIM making all the rules!!  He was NOT going to keep avoiding me.  You don’t just LEAVE and never face your wife again.  I walk in every room of the house, the garage, etc., it’s like he just died.  Everything is where he set it, where he used it last, everything that I thought meant anything at all to him was right HERE, and he is NOT!!  (Okay, so he did come here and get the damn motorcycle that apparently started all this, so maybe he DOES have all that means anything to him, but he forgot his underwear and toothbrush!!  Not to mention his wife……. his life.)  I go to bed that evening, and my mind is reeling, and I’m setting my phone alarm for morning, and I for some reason decide to push the App “Find my iPhone”.  He had already disconnected mine and the boys phones, so his phone is no longer attached to my account (I went immediately and got an account in my name.  Thats all a story for another day.  An insane one, but an insanely funny one all at the same time.)  BUT….. it turns out his iPad is still attached to my account.  Oooops.  Oooops for ALL of us.  Immediately I recognize the address…… let me just say that I tend to believe that infidelity will find it’s way home, without investigation, but sometimes you can’t help but investigate.  Sadly, it didn’t stop there…… that’s just where it started.  It was the middle of the night, I already had the girls name, the date that they became in contact with one another, her address, and phone number.  I called the number, and she answered.  I will spare you the details (even though I can’t help but laugh), but I had a conversation with her, a couple of times, on my way to her front door.  I did hold onto whatever dignity you can hold on to in this situation, and tried to “reason” with this woman.  I could hear my husband in the background, but he would not get on the phone.  When I reported that I was nearly to her “specific” address, I heard a gasp, and in a matter of minutes, I passed my husbands vehicle on the hwy, but I kept going anyway.  I OF COURSE had some family pictures to deliver to her mailbox.  Yeah…… I’m THAT girl.  I’m the girl that supposes that everyone has a conscience, and IF they knew why, they would know they shouldn’t.  Yes….. I can laugh at myself.  After my special delivery, I finally was able to reach my husband, and convinced him to meet me in a parking lot. At 1:30am.  UN-Graceful does not even describe the events that ensued.  I came face to face with a monster.  Absolute Evil, spewing nothing but anger and hatred and lies.  He was slobbering drunk, his eyes were as hollow and vacant as any eyes I have ever seen.  I took the tongue lashing in the name of TRUTH and LOVE.  I thought I could reason with why.  Instead……friends, I walked away with more lies.  Satan’s lies.  I left a part of my soul in that parking lot, and THAT moment not only changing my life, but it will always be a point of defining reference for my insatiable need for perspective for ALL the days of my life.  I left with my tires spinning uncontrollably on the pavement, tears POURING from my eyes, and gutteral SCREAMS coming from the pits of hell ALL the way home.  Thank goodness God took the wheel, and silently took care of me, while I screamed at him, because the ONLY thing I wanted to do was run my car into a concrete wall.  Why????  Because……..  It all seemed so clear all of a sudden.  It was as if my life was a joke to God, Satan confirmed in my head the reason I am in so much pain, is because I was put on this earth to be punished.  Physically, emotionally, and otherwise.  I truly am at a point where I have nothing…..but I do have my boys.  Some day I may share those lies with you, but they still bring tears to my eyes, because I obviously struggle with a level of believing those things about myself.  I actually wrote them down.  But, here is where God saves they day…….  You know that verse I shared earlier…. I shared that on my FB page earlier that morning.  The next morning when I woke up (again, my least favorite thing to do these days), I signed on to FB to find several messages.  Most of which were confessions of what they have been going through (since my last blog post “share”), several admiring my Faith and Strength in God, when the rest of the world would expect me to fall apart, all of which made me feel guilty, and then the last one.  Someone who is or was not a “friend” of mine on FB.  I have known this person for years, but never really in a personal way.  (I’m pretty good at knowing a lot of people, but keeping them at arms distance.)  I have not seen her since this has begun, nor have I spoken with her.  Here is the message that she sent…….

• Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I actually typed that out earlier but erased it because I didn’t want you to think I was “intruding”. No time to waste on pretending anymore.

• Isaiah 61:1 He sent Jesus to bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted. When you have a mortal wound you must BE STILL and let the Doctor bind up your wound. When our child has a deep cut we must make them BE STILL so we can bind up their wound or they will lose a lot of blood. BE STILL and know that He is God. Fight to remain at rest today. The Lord is able to handle whatever is happening in your life today.
• The Lord sees. He sees it all! Way down deep into our hearts and He is not shocked to see our anger, fears and hurt and He continues to pour out His love to us no matter what. Just stop and BE STILL. 2 Chron 20:17  You will not need to fight this battle. Take your position an stand still and see the salvation of The Lord, who is with you.

God used her as a faithful servant, who was FAR removed from this situation.  One of the things I kept screaming over and over and over is “Just TELL me what to do!!!  You are God, you can do anything.  Why don’t you come down here and sit in my passenger seat and AUDIBLY, Out loud, TELL me what to do!!! ”  I guess he couldn’t at that moment, because he was safely delivering me to my home, where my boys slept, but he had a message waiting for me when I woke up from my rest.

Every minute of this journey is tricky at best, and as the days pass, my biggest prayer of all is that as I ENDURE, that I can begin to do it with a lot more Grace, or even a lot LESS UN-Graceful will do.

**Just a reminder to PLEASE share these posts with those hurting and walking through their own Journey.  We do NOT have to walk alone.

My husband DID discover the blog in short order.  It’s not something we discussed, but he silently left it on the screen of my laptop.  It’s funny though, I shared my other blog, fromthisiknow.com, regularly, and he never even commented on it once.  But this one seems to have been the cardinal sin.  For a time I locked it down with a password, rather than deleting it, and then I decided that I had nothing to hide.  I can’t be authentic with myself if I become concerned about the fallout.  I stand by the way I felt, I stand by myself, and I know I HAD to find a voice.  I am only putting this one out there PUBLICLY now, because I am on a transparent journey at this point.  I am learning through the events that have taken place, as I have had to reveal the details of our current situation, that I was RIGHT!!!  There are those other Mom’s out there in the carpool lines feeling EXACTLY the way I was feeling. People may not need to know our business, but I tend to think that speculation is MUCH more dangerous.  I could feel the gravitational pull downward, yet for some reason, I guess I thought gravity only applied to me.

Today, I am getting real with it ALL.  My “Fakebook” life is now included.  I finally posted today that our lives had taken a distinct turn, and I was done with pretenses, and living on Faith alone.

So… here is the story.  On September 13, 2012, my husband took me to have my first of two injections, brought me home from the hospital, brought me a sprite, kissed me on the forehead, went to work, and never came home.  Didn’t even take a tooth brush.  I could stop there, because that , in and of itself, is profound.  He changed the course of 5 lives in one crazy thought pattern.  I have only seen his face or even heard his voice 1 time since that fateful kiss on the forehead.  He can not face us, will not face us, and is blatently a coward, but most importantly a COMPLETE stranger.  I know the obvious…….and yes, there is an affair.  I do know, and I do know details, but I have safely compartmentalized THAT issue in the category of symptom….. this is all a symptom of a very lost soul.  The signs were there, yes, before Sept. 13th, and truthfully I asked in jest….. because my heart knew.  The details of this sorted tale will be vague, because quite honestly, they are useless things to focus on.  My focus currently is finding the strength to trudge forward for my precious boys, and climb this mountain I have ahead with my health issues.  I have to say the one thing that crosses my mind over and over and over, during the moments of sadness and missing my husband, is that he LEFT, he ABANDONED me during such a scary and complicated time in my life with my health.  Thats not something I could do to someone I hate, much less someone I joined souls with.  This is a terribly painful journey, FULL of ups and downs (the ups are the times I jump up and want to kick his ever-lovin’ butt).  I have found my strength in God, and probably read more of the bible in the last  3 weeks then I have in the last 8 years, simply because my mind will not be quiet.  The first week I was frightened to go to sleep, because I knew when I woke up, I would have to re-live the crushing blow all over again of the realization that I was living a nightmare.  And then I dream that this nightmare is all a dream…… Here actually is MY last text to him…. Sept. 28th:

 ”I totally was just dreaming that this nightmare I am living was all a dream, and then as you were coming in to kiss me, I remembered that my life is in fact REAL, so I knew I was dreaming, and needed to wake up!!  I NOW want to OFFICIALLY beat somebody up.  We are too old for your mid-life crisis BULLS**T!!!”  (1st REAL angry message I have sent during this process.)

Yeah, I am that girl that has pleaded, prayed, tried to rationalize, still wear my wedding ring, (yep.  I said it.  I’m not sure if it’s an allegiance to him, or a reminder for me to be true to MYSELF), etc., but here is the deal.  This boy is lost…… he is lost, he is lost, he is lost.  He is chasing after something to validate him, and can’t face the ones that know and love him.  I have known for months that something truly needed to be addressed, for him.  I can’t and couldn’t do it for him.  He has made some INSANE decisions, and attempted to punish me like a child for protecting myself while he makes decisions that are irrational.  I am going to stay the path.  I am going to pray, I am going to move forward, I am going to keep having procedures, and have the BIG surgery soon.  I am going to keep trying to be a light in the dark window for my boys, and I am going to hold my head high.  I have a clear conscience.  I get it to some degree, life has been hard for the past couple of years.  It’s too much even for me!!  Now I wrestle breath by breath with the idea of longing for my husband, being heart broken, feeling the pain of love unanswered, but in the next breath, I start to remember the things I don’t want back.  For some reason I am gaining clarity….  I know I will survive, I know I’m not the only one…… but I NEVER thought it would happen to us.  One thing is for sure, I took what I thought we had for granted.  There are most definitely things that have transpired over the course of the last 3 weeks that my human mind sees as a point of no return, but I have to say, I would not have Faith in our God, and our Savior if I really believed that to be the case.  I am certain that God CAN do anything……… and that includes picking me up off the floor, and giving me a GLORIOUS future.  With or without the man that finally made me believe in forever.

Our Anniversary in May….. That day I was Thankful for a man that LOVED me for me, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health.

One thing I want to leave you with is my insatiable need to find perspective.  I get a little extreme in this area at times, but sometimes you have to.  While my heart may be broken, I may have been left behind with 3 boys, no husband, no job, debilitating health issues, and a long road ahead, I have a new friend that in fact is living a nightmare of giant proportions…. and I say “new” friend, because she too has spent years being guarded, hiding her story and her circumstances.  She is not faced with the fear of loneliness, or a broken heart, she is faced with the fear for her life.  She texted to me the other day, that just my daily texts to check on her at times, just saves her life.  She is in a terrifying situation, and she says I am her hero, that my strength is inspiring.  This makes me ASHAMED, and I want to save her.  Perspective number two.  I actually had an opportunity to put a voice to this just yesterday at Church.  From day one, through my moments of pity, I have reminded myself that though I despise what my husband is doing and has done, NO MATTER WHAT he is still on this Earth, and there is ALWAYS the possibility of God’s hand of miraculous healing in this situation, but I have a sweet friend, whom lost her amazing husband last December in unforseen circumstances.  No matter what, she does NOT have the opportunity to wish upon the stars…… I have to be faithful with the prospect of Hope alone.  I actually have a laundry list, because it’s what I do, but these are two that are at the top of my list right now that help me pick up my head a tad higher.  I will ENDURE and I will do it Gracefully.

I think I have mentioned that I live in somewhat small town America. (Small-ish, with a tad over 113,000 people) It is a town FULL of pomp and circumstance, and of course the University of Oklahoma. (BOOMER SOONER!) I play the part well……Volunteer of all things, Soccer Mom, a Champion of all causes, Church-goer, fantastic kids, but I halt there, because I don’t even know how describe my marriage. In the land of FB (fakebook as I like to call it…….yes, I’m just as guilty as the next person) I am that girl who references her “Sweet Husband” all the time. I can honestly say (since we are being honest) that sweet isn’t a word I would really use right now. But I, like so many, post when my life is post worthy, to show all the glitz and shine that makes my life look worth living. Here is my favorite FB pic that I posted recently that comes to mind right now…….. totally cracks me up.

My “Fakebook” life. AKA “I am lonely, it’s 115 degrees, I am bored, and I want you to think life is great!”

I haven’t quite figured out the roll all of this plays in my life, but I do know it has perpetuated my people pleaser attitude to an insane platform, that I’m about to fall off of. I get the “You are so strong”, “You are such an Inspiration”, etc. allllll the time. It’s now to the point that I can’t help but think “If you only knew…”. But what if they DID know??? Know what???? That I am human? That I get scared? That I get mad? That I get my feelings hurt? That I don’t agree with everyone about everything? That I have my own opinions, that sometimes conflict with your beliefs and what you think I should and should not support??? Yeah, sooo what. Because in reality I want to not care what other people think of me. I remember when I was a kid, and let me just say I was the upmost compliant child (not adolescent) there was. I did what I was supposed to do, and said what I was supposed to say. (and wore what I what I was supposed to wear, etc.) But there are two things I REMEMBER thinking……and one was I admired someone that someone was talking about that I didn’t even know, because someone said they always said it like it was, and didn’t care what other people thought. I tried that on for size for a few years needless to say, and it wasn’t graceful. And the other thing was that adults knew everything. I think we know how long that lasted.

Since I have spent an immeasurable amount of time, typing AROUND all the things I want to say, I think my message is this. I am an all American woman, wife, mother. With lost hopes and dreams, a broken heart, and a broken down vessel most would call a human body. I love my husband, I love my children, and my bonus daughter as well. I have many topics in my life that I wish I could talk about, I wish I could relate with somebody on, but I keep it all inside. Just because I am mad, hurt, or anything else, does not change the fact that I am a Christian, I believe in God, I believe in tomorrow, I am happy a lot, I am grateful, I have faith in the future, I am hopeful that I will get well, and by the time I get to the other side, I may just kick the $**T out of everyone that put bumps in my road along the way. Contradiction……. perhaps. But it depends on who is evaluating. I personally think it’s completely expected!!

I must now go and clean the kitchen and pick up the dog hair, and put on my face to go buy groceries for the family for the week. My guys have been gone all weekend for soccer in Austin, TX, and I got the text a little while ago that they are on the 5 1/2 hr drive home, so I must move forward with the pretense that I did not spend all weekend in a depressed lump on the couch doing nothing.

For a little background….. here are some links to a blog I have attempted and failed at this past year, before I discovered my desire to be “Anonymous”.

http://fromthisiknow.com/2012/01/06/hold-it-together-heather/

http://fromthisiknow.com/2012/01/17/a-little-dirt-dont-hurt-and-neither-do-wrinkles/

http://fromthisiknow.com/2012/08/23/i-think-i-will-take-this-lickin-and-keep-on-tickin-yall/

http://fromthisiknow.com/2012/08/27/ode-to-the-simple-life/

Have a Blessed Sunday afternoon y’all! Because we CAN!!