A New Journey Has Begun….
Here we are barking on the 4th month of “The” day my world came crashing down around my feet. We have a lot of catching up to do. It seems right now, this is the only place I have to express my feelings in a relatively safe way. While I have come SOOO far, it also seems like I am still in the throws of the first day. I seem to go through weeks of being “over” all of this, and then something someone says, a thought runs across my head, my pictures of my future trip me up, a song, a smell, a fear, an event, a victory, a sadness, a tv show……….. It’s all connected to HIM. I am appalled at the level of sadness, and the sheer pain in my chest I am experiencing. Will it EVER get easier? One thing I never thought I would find in life, is my own capacity to really love. Love without rules, or boundaries. I found an unconditional love as I gave birth to each of my children, that I never thought humanly possible. Then I met a man, that at first perplexed me by the way he looked at me. The kindness, the gentleness…… and then I grew to love the way I could look up and he was staring at me from across the room, as he said nothing, for the first time in my life, I didn’t need someone to say anything. The look in his eyes said it all. The few times I have come face to face with him, other than the great parking lot scene, I can still see that same look.
On November 7th, I had that incredible surgery I mentioned before. It was relatively successful in that I am still walking (was not paralyzed), and my spinal cord is no longer being compressed. The bone grafting they did with all the donor bone seems to be adhering, and I no longer have to walk with a walker. I have some pretty impressive bionic parts too! I am also driving, and they thought that alone could take nearly 6 months. God has been SOOO good. The only hiccup is the level of pain I am still in. It seems that this will be a part of my daily life, and surely with time, I will get used to it. I wish none of this would have ever happened, as I feel in my soul that my husband would still be here. The first night after my surgery, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I surely don’t remember much, but I remember opening my eyes that night, and there he was, asleep in a chair in the corner. I don’t really remember him being there any other time, but I suppose he was, as my sister said she went out into the parking lot with him, as he cried, saying how much he loved me, but that he knew I could never live with what he had done. I know that I texted him for several days, because I saw it on my phone later, and he never returned my texts. The last day I was in the hospital, I had just told the nurses that I could not go to in-patient rehab, because my children were and had been at home alone for 7 days at this point. My oldest son is 19 and in college, was taking care of his brothers, and working, and pledging for a fraternity. He was drowning. I was waiting to hear back, and I even remember how I was laying on my right side, and I could hear his footsteps walking down the hall of the hospital, and into the room, and by the time he made it around to the side of the bed I was facing, I already had tears running down my face just because he was there. He took me home that day. That I do know, but the rest is a blur because they doped me up for the trip home. Periodically over the course of the next couple of weeks he would call or text, and a couple of times would call all choked up.
I was able to find a level of forgiveness the day before my surgery, thanks to a sweet friend that contacted me, and said that she wanted to pray with me, and she and a group of AMAZING Godly women met me at the church, and prayed with me in a way I have never experienced. I was able to come home and call him that day, and for the first time, he actually answered the phone. I did forgive him, I do forgive him. Really. Is it still painful and raw?? OMGeeee is it ever. But deep in my heart, I know that God is capable of healing everything. The problem is he has never said he was sorry, he never asked for forgiveness. He HAS through this process actually acknowledged and apologized for his “indiscretion” in the beginning of our marriage, but there is absolutely no remorse for what he has done to us…… himself included. I pray, and pray, and PRAY soooo many times a day, I can’t even count. I need this pain to go away. Thanksgiving was TERRIBLE, but Christmas was bearable, because each year a girlfriend and I have served together in providing Christmas for 62 boys in 3 group homes. We found out about these homes roughly 5 years ago, and the fact that the state did not have the funding to do anything at Christmas time, because these boys are ages 14-18, and all have been in some level of trouble. It has become our passion, and lucky for me, it was a GREAT diversion to all the trauma my days have been full of since that fateful day in September.
(I just found this post in my “Drafts” folder, and decided to publish it……it’s a partial thought, a partial post, but at this time, it seems senseless to add to it, but the thoughts are there, and so very relevant to the journey.)
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